Tuesday, June 17, 2008

On the hunt

So I received word that my Supervisor is officially leaving for a new position in the agency. With that, I have accelerated my job hunt. I officially applied for three jobs tonight, with the anticipation of applying for two to three more before the week is up. Any prayers are greatly appreciated while I attempt to make a new transition in my life. This will truly be a time to trust in God with my future. Let's hope I can do this, because...

Things have been somewhat hard lately. It's so difficult for me to relinquish the reins and let God take control. I seek out my own ends to a means instead of trusting God to provide for me, and this is in multiple aspects of my life. I let me emotions get the best of me, which results in venomous thoughts that often become venomous words. I don't like where my heart is most of the time, yet my conviction is not resulting in true repentance. It's hard.

I let my heart get too involved in things of this world. I let myself get too wrapped up in desire. I let my sin overwhelm me without turning away. It's hard.

I struggle with where God has me at this very moment. I'm struggling with my job. I'm struggling with my contentment with singleness. I'm struggling with my hunger to grow. It's hard.

It's amazing how much I think of myself in all this, all the while. There are people suffering far greater than I am, and who can even say I am truly suffering? My selfishness radiates in every aspect of my life. I don't come to people's aid. It's hard.

But God is good. How can I remember this?

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Good Dreams are Really Bad

I recently messaged a good friend of mine and informed her, "I had a bad dream last night." I proceeded to tell her the Cliff's Notes version of my dream, which in actuality was full of good, wonderful things. She questioned me saying, "that's a bad dream?" My retort... "Yeah, because it wasn't real." It's just such a bittersweet feeling to wake up from this short glimpse of what your subconscious reveals. How can this be classified as something good if you're so disappointed when you wake up? It isn't truth. It isn't real. It's just a plethora of random thoughts tied together; sometimes revealing something you want; sometimes revealing a garble of things that are just really weird. Good dreams are really bad.